AN OPEN LETTER TO THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF CAMEROON.

Your Excellency, pardon my audacity to address you without knowing you. But I certainly know that, apart from being a Cameroonian, you must be either a woman or a man. Though a man, as a political species, is a pretentious being, he can also pretentiously be apolitically honest like myself. I am not interested in any power, be it Mystical or bottom power. I love fresh palm wine with kola nuts from my ancestral forest, and I love to see a new Cameroon, because Impossibility is not a Cameroonian attribute. After having prayed, fasted, and criticized in vain for a new Cameroon, I have the following suggestions for you.1.Concerning Politics and a better transition of power, I suggest that a new constitution allows only octogenarian Cameroonians to be eligible for the post of President. This is, becoming a president at 80 years will make transition natural and hitch-free, with the calmness that death brings on a man standing on the Metaphysical threshold and peeping into the wild beyond time and space. This spares Cameroonians the forlornness of uncertainty in transition.2.Concerning Embezzlement of Public Funds, Your Excellency, I suggest that the name of our currency be changed from THE FRANC to POVERTY. The first reason is that people are not Frank with THE FRANC even though they may name their children Frank. Secondly, when you name the currency “poverty”, the word poverty itself, like a negative mantra, will cast a negative spell of poverty on anyone who embezzles it. I call it a negative incentive using poverty to fight poverty. Is it not theologically sound to think that, since IS does not possess any think anyone who lacks resembles God? 3. Concerning Education, examination fraud could be eradicated by allowing candidates to see the questions beforehand. Then each candidate is allowed to mark his or her script and submit his or her marks. The one who accorded himself or herself the least marks should be promoted for honesty, while the others are asked to repeat for not committing their own fraud.4.CONCERNING TEACHERS, their salaries should be made as low as possible. This is because poverty is an incentive to creative thinking. Just as a hunting dog hunts better when hungry, teachers will perform well when not paid well. The justification can be found in the fact that Mission and Private schools score better results in the GCE than the government schools where the teachers are better paid.5. CONCERNING THE ARMY, Your Excellency, it should be privatised. This may sound strange, but it will bring peace. There will be a balance of tension when violence is democratised, and fear is rationalised. When we fear each other, none will attack each other. I fear that I may be wrong here, but something keeps telling me that it can work.6 CONCERNING Unemployment AND WOMEN. Women should be paid good salaries for being mothers and wives and should stay at home; leave public work to men. Some Computers should be smashed. One computer can do the work of a hundred hands, thereby causing unemployment. Polygamy should be encouraged and subsidized. Although it may sound unchristian, most Cameroonians, including Christians, have side chicks. This is polygamy in disguise. Bachelors should be taxed heavily to subsidize polygamy.7.CONCERNING A NEW CALENDAR for Cameroon only, the number of days a week should be increased to 8 days, following the Traditional African Timing of the seasons and week. This will confuse the minds of scammers on timings and dates. There should be one day of total silence at home. 8. CONCERNING RELIGION: A Ministry for Metaphysics should be created to take care of all spiritual forces of Cameroon. Witchcraft should be studied and used for developmental, therapeutic and military purposes. Any religious denomination should have a vocational centre to train youths to work and pray. Any Religious group without any vocational training centre should be abolished. 9. CONCERNING A NATIONAL LANGUAGE, French and English should be abolished and replaced by Pidgin English. If Pidgin can be used successfully by Cameroonians in art, sports, commerce and in romance, it can be used in administration. It doesn’t matter whether the cat is black or white insofar as it catches mice. Since Pidgin is having a pan Cameroonian APPEAL, it can be used as a national language. Your Excellency, stress from the senseless war and poverty is taking its toll on us. This letter may reach when some of us must have crossed the river of time. Your luck is that anybody can rule Cameroon because the Cameroonians do not care who shuts in their dreams.10.CONCERNING YOURSELF; Your Excellency, I will advise that it is better to clear away the mess caused in the past tense if shit than to perfume shit in its present continuous Tense. To clear away the shit, Your Excellency, start with a clean sheet and leave power immediately if you are not yet above 80. God bless Your Excellency.

Bawe Louis Tarawo@breakingnews.com